The Boy of Many Names

Mondays.  You've got to love them.  This one was trudging along like most of them.

Coffee.  School work.  More coffee.

In the afternoon, we head over to our daughter's American Heritage Girls troop meeting - where I am one of the fearless co-leaders (I use that term VERY loosely.)  Today, we were working on the Our Flag badge and spent the beginning of the meeting time singing patriotic songs.  The second half, we let the girls play some games outside.

While I had a down moment, I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from a fellow adoption momma.  She said that a new list of names had been posted on the Haitian government's website.

Now what this means to those of us in the Haitian adoption process...

Most adoptions in Haiti need to have the Haitian president sign off on the adoption.  In our case, we need it because we have biological children.  When the president signs it, the child's name goes onto the official record of actions for the government for that day on their website.  Us adoptive parents check and CHECK this web page throughout each and every day, just waiting to see their child's name on it.  Why?  Because that is the first sign that your adoption is moving forward AND this is a step that has been known to take some up to 12-18 months to pass.

Anyhoo.  I asked my friend if she would text me a screen shot of the names listed on it.  As every day that came before this one, I had a knot in my stomach at the potential news to come that our file had been signed.

And then I saw it...

Pierre Davidson THELEMAQUE. (Middle name, first name and then last name in caps) OUR Sam!!!  Praise the Lord!

I believe that I screamed and jumped off of the bench in one big movement.  My 2 girlfriends sitting with me yelled "What?"  They had looks of terror on their face, since this kind of reaction to news usually doesn't mean something good just happened.  I said, "we received our dispensation."  To which they replied, "what does that mean?"

Fair enough.

I explained the magnitude -in short, barley coherent sentences.  They quickly jumped up and gave me bear hugs and cried with me.  I nearly dropped my phone from shaking!

Apparently, I made such a commotion that the leader of a nearby classroom stuck her head out of the door and asked what the big news was.  She too is a good friend and knew that this was a wonderful answer to prayers.

What a GREAT feeling it was to share it with EVERYONE!  Many hugs and tears were shared.  I have such awesome friends.

After calling my hubby and excited grandparents, I called our orphanage director.  Often times, the online version (where I saw Sam's name at) is available before the printed one is in Haiti.  But our director is on top of it all and -of course- already knew.  She was disappointed that she wasn't the one able to surprise me and explained why she was waiting until the end of this week to call and tell me... because of this little nugget...

Sam now has our last name!!

Wow!

Today has been like that day that you just found out that you were pregnant or the moment that your child was born.  The knowledge that he bares our name and is ours, touches my heart to a degree that is rarely done in a lifetime.  Reserved for those sacred moments that your heart grows and is filled with a child.

But this also got me thinking...

My sweet boy has had many names in his short life.  First, he had the name that his mother whispered to him the moment he was born.  That name is a treasure that was etched on his heart and soul.  Oh, what  I would give to know this name... but this is something that will stay between mother, child and our Creator.

Then there is the name that was given to him by the government, after he was declared abandoned.  Davidson Pierre.  Davidson is a VERY common name in Haiti.  For instance, there are 3 little Davidsons at the orphanage right now.  This is the name that was on all of his paperwork when he arrived at the orphanage.

Once he became our son in our hearts, and we moved forward with our adoption, he needed a last name.  He was designated the last name of the woman that would represent the orphanage and Sam to the courts and child services.  This is normally the role of a birth parent but is assigned to a representative when there is not a birth parent.

Now that he is legally our son, he is Davidson Pierre B.

When he comes home, he will then be given the name that he has become to know as his own... Samuel 'Sam' Davidson B.

"The boy of many names' he will no longer be.  He will be Sam, or son, forevermore. 

Oh Mondays will never be the same again!!

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

Many of you have asked about Sam's scar on his left wrist.

Before, I just knew that he had it when he arrived at the orphanage.  Last week, while we were eating breakfast, my father-in-law asked the orphanage director if she knew how he got it.  I wasn't expecting to hear her response.

It appears to be some type of burn but she explained that it is -more than likely- a rub burn.  She knows this because Sam came from the hospital before he arrived at the orphanage and she's seen a practice at the hospitals that would cause an injury like his...

Apparently, there are times when a baby has a tie put around its wrist and is then tied to the crib to keep the baby from climbing out of the crib.

Got that visual?

I did and it broke my heart.

I was caught completely by surprise at the revelation.  I had to excuse myself from the table to gather myself.  You know that you are adopting an orphan and that they may not have had the best life before they entered yours but to have that thought and visual...

Yet it strengthens my resolve.  That God placed Sam in our hearts and our family to ensure that he has a family that will cherish him and shower him with love.  We vow to come around him, protect him, and nurture him to be a wonderful man.

We will not be bound by anger and regret.  We will always continue to look forward to the family that we are now and continue follow the path that the Lord wants us to.

My Epiphany

Have you ever had that moment of a huge epiphany?  When several conversations and thoughts enter your head in one single second and then POOF, you have moment of clarity!  This happened to me last week.  Here is my story...

Thankfully, our house doesn't fall ill too much.  But when we do, we tend to share the love with EVERYONE in our humble abode and every last domino falls.  

This was true at the end of November and then again in April, when we got home from Haiti.  Each of these illnesses were head colds that turned into mild coughs.  Usually the cough lasts the longest but is gone after a week or so, for me.  UNTIL these last two colds.

I had noticed that my lungs were 'tight' and it was difficult to get a full breath - kind of what I would imagine an asthmatic feels like.  I was still having this problem last week - over a month since our last round of house-o-sickies.  I had been pondering the idea that I might have to head to the doctor's office to see if there was something wrong, since this had happened during December too.

Then came a conversation with my good friend, Stacey...

Last Thursday, she and I were preparing for a morning of badge activities for Isabel's troop.  Stacey looked at me and said, "You've seemed very stressed recently.  I've been keeping you in my prayers every day."

I thanked her and went on about how I was excited (and anxious) about the Chick Fil A fundraiser that was happening that night.  And then onto how great it was that the wine consultant business was booming -and yummy.  We chatted a little bit longer before starting the day's fun.

About 5 minutes later, I was walking down the hallway, thinking about our conversation, when the moment of clarity hit me = everything was linked...

My tight chest and shortness of breath was a result of stress, not illness.

The last several months have been such a crazy ride!  The excitement with our older children and family about Sam's adoption.  The joy in falling in love with our fourth child.  Anticipation of his arrival.  In addition, there is also heartbreak from some reactions to our adoption and anxiety that comes with the financial cost of this process.

Even though this is the most wonderful experience of my life, it is not without stress.  A lot of that stress I have put on my own shoulders.  Especially when it comes to the financial obligations.

Normally, Stephen is the worrier when it comes to funds.  I am the dreamer and he is the detail-oriented one.  After our paperwork was delivered to Haiti in January, I made it my mission to cover the expenses of our adoption through fundraisers and avenues I would generate.

Little did I know the huge task that I would put upon myself.

When Stephen and I started our adoption journey, I told him that we must trust that all of our needs (financial and otherwise) would be met.  However, I took this upon myself.  I wanted to make sure that every bill from the adoption was paid from funds that I had raised for Sam's adoption.

I had lost my eye on the ball...  My trust that our needs would be met by the One that laid this passion on our hearts.

So this week, I start anew.  We have done our last fundraiser.  I will not stress that I have not actively sought every penny that has come into our adoption fund.

I will have faith and trust.

Faith that we are doing what our family is supposed to be doing.  Trust that all of our needs will be met, as long as we are doing His will.

Since this epiphany last week, I have had very little moments with shortness of breath.  I notice the feeling of stress and unrest and start praying for peace, the feeling subsides.

Wow!  I feel like a new woman!

What I DIDN'T Expect When Expecting (Adoption Edition)

I really didn't think that I had to pull out the maternity books when we made the decision to adopt but I truly think that we could make up a whole new one for this exciting, crazy and often challenging adventure.  There are some life/body changes that would remain from our tried and true editions... and some additions.

Weight gain... Yes, I am an emotional eater.  Happy.  Sad.  There is always a reason to be found!  I just seem to find more reasons when I'm stressed.  Now, 15 pounds later, we are hopefully past the extremely stressful part (into IBESR) and I can have a goal... being healthy and fit when our boy comes home.  I work good with goals!!

Baby brain, apparently, affects us whether or not the baby is born of our body.  I have so many 1/2 finished projects around the house and I cannot even tell you how many unfinished conversations I have had with my best girlfriends.  And along these same lines... First trimester exhaustion!  By the end of the day, my brain and body are just begging for some relaxation.  During the day, my brain is in two places... here -educating and raising the children- and with our dossier in Haiti.  Its nice to turn it all off at night.

One thing that I did expect but wasn't quite expecting the impact it would have on me emotionally is the adverse reaction we've had by some.  When Stephen and I were talking and praying about our future with adoption, we anticipated negativity.  But to experience it is totally different and the things said to me have hurt my heart.  And for the record:

• Yes, we do have 3 healthy, beautiful children.  No, we are not going to 'mess' it up now.
• Yes, I know that there are children in THIS country that need a family but we have been called to Haiti.  That is where our son is.
• I am aware of the huge costs of adoption BUT we have faith that our family will be fine, provided for and happy when this is over.
• Trust me, we HAVE thought and prayed about this decision for a long time and DO realize that this will affect our children.
• I do know that Sam is not a puppy and will grow up to be a man of color... and you know what, I will still love him as my son!

My prayer has been for grace and guidance through these times.  I have been asking for grace to continue to love those that are struggling to love me right now because they do not 'get it'.   That they also can show grace and love to Sam when he comes home.  I want their hearts to be soften and be welcoming to this child that I love - as if he came from my own body.  And finally, for the guidance -as his guardian, protector, and parent- to handle these situations as best as possible when he comes home.  I want this to be their love and God story too.  Not just ours. 

An extension of this is the loneliness that abounds those of us in the adoption process.  It is not a calling that many can quite understand.  And that's ok!  But not having some of my support system on board with the adoption has, in turn, caused a readjustment to my social network.  During this process, I could talk about the emotional roller coaster that happens every single day but often times find no outlet or ear to listen.

But its okay!!

I've taken this as my personal challenge to turn to the one source that will always understand my heart and will never turn His back on it.  My alone time has strengthen my prayer time.  Its in times of adversity that we find our true strength.  Right?

And its not all bad... PROMISE!!

The unexpected blessings have been AMAZING!  I have found instant connections with others, around the world, that are going down this same bumpy road.  There is a huge adoption community out there that I never even knew existed.  Besides the endless wealth of knowledge, there is always someone who has experienced, or currently experiencing, exactly what I am at that very moment... the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Thankfully, there have been new friendships that have been placed in my life at this precise moment.  They too are experiencing these tumultuous highs and lows and share in them with us.

These friendships are life vests thrown to us during some of the heaviest seas I've faced in my life.  At times, I find myself clinging to them just for a since of sanity and hope.

Then there is the love.  Not the love that we have for our children.  That WAS expected.... but the love that Stephen and I have been shown by family, friends and even complete strangers has been awesome.  Even overwhelming at times.  The support, love and encouragement has been our life force many-a-times.

I know that I've said this before... This road is not the easiest.  It is so bumpy and windy that it leaves you weary, a bit nauseated, and even with a sore rear at times.  BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT!

H-A-I-T-I That Is Right. Right?

In preparation for our big garage sale fundraiser, we bought shirts for everyone to wear.  We thought that it might look cool to have everyone wearing the same color - blue.

Why blue?

Well that is the FAVORITE color of the orphanage director, Barbara.  Everything is blue at Ruuska Village.  Many have started referring it to 'Barbara Blue'. 

See?

The crafty mom in me thought that it would be fun to have the kids get together and decorate their shirts.  Kids and fabric markers are a match made in Pinterest heaven!

Some kids were meticulous and planned out each letter.  While others were done with their whole shirt in 5 minutes.  They wrote Bringing Home Sam on the front:

And Haiti on the back:

Me?  I decorated my own shirt... this crafty mom is also a bit of a control freak too.  I'm just being honest!

I though they all turned out beautifully!  Even Jack had one.

The day of the sale, our Barbara blue shirts looked AWESOME!  I thought we stood out for the people to recognize those of us doing the sale.

I few hours into the sale, I was standing by 'Haiti Table' and talking with a nice woman about Sam, our family, and Haiti.  After she walked away, my sweet friend, Stacey, came up and whispered in my ear that I might NOT want to mention that I home school my kiddos.

OK... I was stumped.

She laughed and told me -in her very sweet manor- that I had spelled 'Haiti' wrong on the back of my shirt.

Yes, you are reading that right.  H I A T I is what it said.

Me.  The one that talks, thinks, and writes about Haiti ALL OF THE TIME -and even has a son coming from there- spelled it wrong!

Maybe the kids should have done my shirt after-all!

I went a bit longer at the garage sale, hoping that my hair was covering it up.  (see mom, it is okay to be 35 and have long hair sometimes!)  Anyway, the time finally came when I needed to do something about my mistake...

In our little town, I didn't think that we had many Haitian immigrants.  Yet we had seven Haitian groups/families come to our garage sale that morning!  By the time we had the sixth group come through, I was worried that someone would notice.

Here I am fundraising to bring my son home from a country that I, apparently, didn't even know how to spell!

So I enlisted the help of my friend, Brianna, and a handy Sharpy marker.  In no time, I at least looked like I knew how to spell Haiti -kind of.

Lesson learned.  Next time I need to pay attention to the straight lines AND the order of the letters...  that, or just let the kids make my shirt!

Be looking for our Babara blue shirts on June 13th at the Chick Fil A in Viera, when we have our next fundraiser for Ruuska Village and Sam!

Can We Talk Privately?

On Sunday, we were still going strong in the garage sale business.  There was a steady stream of people from about 8:30 on.

Apparently, we Floridians know how to garage sale hard!  Even on a Sunday.

Anyway.  I was walking up to what we were calling the 'Haiti Table' (our command center, of sorts) and over-heard a woman asking Stephen if she could talk to him and his wife 'privately'.

I don't know why but my first thought was not pleasant.  I had assumed that she was upset about something because of her serious nature.  That didn't improve any when she started out the conversation with, "I was here yesterday..."

Oh man!

Did she buy something that broke?  Did someone or something upset her yesterday?

She continued on telling us that we were really laid on her heart after she had left on Saturday.  She then said that her family had gone to our church for years but that she could not get her husband to go anymore since their children were now in college.

At this point, she pulls money out of her pocket and continues (through her sobs)...

That they do not have a lot of money but this is what they would have given to the church that morning -if they would have gone- and she was led to give it to us.  She handed me $22 that was paper-clipped together.

She asked if Stephen and I would pray over the money.  Pray that she and her family would find their way back to the church.  Pray that they restore their relationship with the Lord.

At this point, I was sobbing along with her.  I looked over at Stephen and his eyes were filled with tears too - for the second time this weekend!

Keep in mind, I have only seen this man shed tears two other times in our 17 years together.  Not that he is void of feelings... its just that his emotional pendulum doesn't swing as extreme as mine.

Honestly not 10 minutes before this, I was telling Stephen that I needed a good, healthy cry that night.  Not from being upset but from the overwhelming feeling of love and support that had been poured on us all weekend.

This now gave me a reason to let the flood gates open.  Right then and there.

She handed me the money.  We hugged and cried together.  Then Stephen hugged her and she cried even more.

                                                The $22 and Puzzle Piece
Right there, in my garage, was a moment that I hope I will never forget.  Stephen and I were made aware that we have the ability to touch lives that we don't even realize we are.  Through this journey that God has sent our family on, HE may be able to reach others.

So Stephen and I have prayed.  Prayed for this family that we don't even know... but He knows.  Prayed for Kim and her family.  Prayed for her husband.  Prayed for her hurting heart. 

We felt it would be important to her and our family to make a puzzle piece in her name to remind us of this story and commitment of prayer.  She has made this faith donation to us and we want to honor that in his puzzle.

By the way, this $22 has stayed paper clipped.  Together.  Separate from the rest.  We will put it into the adoption fund account when we 'feel that it is ready'.  Does that make sense?  We still feel that this family was brought to our attention for a reason and they are in need of our prayer.

As every other decision has been... we'll let Him tell us when it is time.

Kids Say the Darndest Things ~ Home Study Edition

It's such a tired expression but, WOW, is it accurate.  No matter if it's your youngest or oldest.  Your head-strong or compliant child.  All children have a lack of filter at some point in their upbringing.

Usually that happens at the most inopportune moment!

For us, it was during our HOME STUDY!  Yeah you know, that important visit from a social worker that paves (or crushes) your way to adopting your baby??!!

In December, we were breezing our way through the checklist of our dossier.  I was determined to get this D-O-N-E in record time.  We were blessed to have a home study agency able to come to our house within the week of me calling.  Even during the busy Christmas season.  I was stoked!

The visit was going rather smoothly - even if he, Dr. K, arrived an hour and a half late to our house.  Right at dinner time.  No biggie!  I had my famous oven roast meal (thanks mother-in-law for that recipe!) already cooking and making the house smell AWESOME. 

Isabel was on her -usual- best and helpful behavior.  Jack was even participating in the put-your-best-foot-forward atmosphere.  But most surprisingly, Cole was on top of his game.

Cole is our mixed-bag kind of kid.  We can but heads and then he wants to crawl in your lap to snuggle a moment later.  He'll NEVER STOP TALKING at home but then barely says two words in public sometimes.  At times I think he's more fickle than a teenage girl.  God love him!

As the 4-hour evening was coming to an end, I had my focus on wrangling dressing Jack into his pj's.  The older two were coming into the living room and bidding farewell to our guest.  I was quite impressed with their maturity.  You can imagine that I was FLOORED when Cole sat down beside Dr. K and said, "I want to tell you a funny story".

Sounded innocent enough.

I continued dressing my wiggle worm and half-listening to this 'funny' story.  I hear a part about "our babysitter was here".

OK - not too bad.  Everyone gets a babysitter.  Right?

Tune out a bit to get the last few snaps done on the pj's.

Then I hear, "And mommy turned around and sees Jack with a big knife in his teeth!"

WHAT?!

I jerked my head around, just in time to see Stephen come flying around the corner.  Apparently, he had been over-hearing this conversation too.  I believe you could have heard that proverbial pin drop at that moment... and then all I could do was laugh.  Because laughing was better than crying!

Seriously!  Out of ALL of the Jack stories -the many, MANY Jack stories- he chooses this one.

Oh, my sweet Cole.

So the story goes...
One night I was standing in the kitchen, touching base with the babysitter before I left (bed times, phone numbers etc).  I kept hearing this clicking noise.  I turned around to find Jack walking towards me with a foot-long bread knife in his teeth - like a pirate.  He was running it back and forth - hence the clicking noise.  THANK GOD he was fine and didn't even have a scratch on him. Apparently, getting into drawers was his brand new trick.  He could not reach them previously.

Needless to say, we promptly took our dear Dr. K to the kitchen and showed him where Stephen had installed not one, but TWO safety latches on said drawer.

Two.  Because you KNOW Jack would find someway, somehow, to get around one obstacle!

Side note:  Do you know how many nails I have broken on this drawer?  I guess the 2 lock rule works on me too.

Anyway.

I was so thankful that the social worker just laughed too and then was VERY gracious to Cole... he explained to him why his mother and father turned pale and wished for the earth to swallow them at the end of his 'funny' story.  That mommy and daddy would like to impress Dr. K with our amazing parenting abilities... and that a 2 year old with a knife is not model-parenting.

Cole just smiled, bid everyone a good night, and went to bed.  Totally unaware.

Yes.  NOW I can laugh about this. 

The Wait...

Today, I was told that our boy was seen walking last night - on his daddy's birthday.  The conflict of emotions were raging!  And still are!

On one hand, I'm excited for him.  This is huge!  I am thankful to the Lord for making him healthy enough to even be walking!  Praising that the nutrition he is receiving is making his muscles strong enough.

Then the mommy guilt sets in.

I have missed it.  I should have been there.

These are milestones that we won't have written down in his baby book, recorded on our family videos or photos to proudly hang on our wall.

It all just seems so unfair.  How many milestones will we miss while we wait for Sam to come home?  How many hugs? Birthdays? Smiles?  How many nights will he have troubles going to sleep without a mommy to hold him close?

When I think about it, the pain in my heart is almost unbearable.  So I must trust...

I trust that God will protect and watch over Sam's heart on those nights that he is alone and missing or craving a mother's touch.

I trust that even though we are missing these milestones together, our Heavenly Father is watching, smiling and cheering Sam on.

As always, I will trust that this is the path that our family is meant to be on.

In my moment of despair yesterday, I was sent this as encouragement:

Return to your fortress, you persons of hope;  even now I announce that I will restore two times as much to you.    
Zechariah 9:12

Thank you!!

Indeed, we are not together in these important and wonderful moments BUT I can guarantee that we will make up for lost time!  I must hold to the faith that we are moving forward on a timeline that God has set.

For now, I will rejoice in our boy's achievements from afar and pray for the day that I can get back down there to see him walk with my own eyes.  WAY TO GO SAM!

Jack on The People of Walmart

Ok, he wasn't really on it - that I know of - but he certainly could have been!

For those of you that don't know us personally, we have a very active 2 year old -Jack- that is just dying to teach his new brother TONS of tricks.  We keep on saying that he and Sam will be best buds but, truth be told, I think they will be partners in crime around our household.  He is such a joy and so very funny but Jack also has a healthy dose of stubbornness.  I blame his father's side.  And maybe my dad.

This strong will tends to rear its ugly head around the times that he is most tired.  Now, this is something that he really DID completely get from his father.  I tend to come out with all kinds of silly inappropriateness and uncontrolled giggling when I'm tired.  Anyway.

Recently, Jack and I were on our way to Orlando to join the rest of our family that was camping there for the weekend.  Stephen and I have chosen to just enjoy day trips and not take Jack camping overnight yet.  Something about the hours of total darkness and Jack, in the wild (the wild, dark AND Jack!) just has us scared.  It's a combination made in hell, really.

I needed to stop by Walmart before I jumped on the highway for our hour drive.  Jack had already snuggled into his car seat and was on the verge of sleep when I scooped him up to go into the store to make a return and gather 3 items. This did not make my over-tired two year old thrilled and he began his protest as I tried to put him into the cart.  He was like one of those dogs that you see putting their paws on each side of the door opening and not allowing themselves to be put through the opening.  Fine.  I carried him to our first stop, the customer service, to return something.

As I was trying to wrangle my little howler monkey, all of the people in our vicinity were giving each other 'the look'.  You know.  The look of either 'that poor mom and crazy kid' or 'my ears! why me? why now?'.  I must say, I think this employee processed my return in record time!  Right as we were about to leave the customer service area, a man in his 80s looked at Jack and said 'STOP' in this deep voice.  Thanks man... but not helping me at this point.

I finally plopped got him into the cart as we were walking away to shop for the three items that I had to grab.  He continued to let every person in Walmart know that he was not a happy camper.  And now, with the freedom of sitting in the basket of the cart, he was able to act on his feelings.

How you ask?

As I am walking to the bakery, I see a shoe go flying out of the cart.  I quickly grab it, put it in my purse, and continue walking at warp-speed.

Onto the next item on my list... Lord help me, it was on the complete opposite side of the store.  While I'm speed walking -and not making eye contact with other customers- I continued to collect another shoe.  Then socks.  Lo and behold, I had to bring my focus back to this screaming banshee, that resembled my child, when I saw his pants go flying.

Why must Walmart be a mile long?  Please, sweet Jesus, come and save me now.

By the time that we arrived at the cashier (who probably heard us coming LONG before she saw us) we were quite the sight...

I was a sweaty mess and had shoes, socks, & pants hanging out of my purse.  And Jack, oh my sweet little boy, had wiggled his onesie top off of his shoulders, down his arms and tummy, and was sporting it at his waist.  He was going for the bare-tummy, crazed toddler look.

Once he was back into his car seat, Jack was sound asleep before we even hit the highway.  Thankfully he had a nice, refreshing nap and was back to my happy boy again.  We had a lot of fun hiking and biking in the great outdoors that day!

With him being our third child, I am grateful that this has been our first public display of crazy.

So let me know if you see a little half-dressed toddler on the People of Walmart website!

It's Not For Sissies!

I have been told TWICE that "Haitian Adoptions aren't for sissies!"  The first time that I was told this, I chuckled.  By the second time, I just sighed, hung my head and agreed.  Why, oh why, is it SO VERY hard to bring an orphan into your loving family?

That is probably the most commonly asked question I get:  Why will it take so long to bring Sam home?  The answer is not very simple and, actually, there are many factors in this.  One would think that, with the thousands of children sitting in orphanages in Haiti, that the government would be THRILLED to find a loving family for these children to join.

Let me explain a little bit as to why this process of bringing Sam home is tough and long - and why I will have a lot more grey hair when this is done...

The first part of the problem is the lack of technology there.  The documentation is still processed by hand.  Even the birth certificates.  And then, if someone misspells something (name of the child or parents) the process has to start all over again.  Each document and process has to be re-done. 

And how much time does that take you ask?

Well, you may have heard about the never-punctual "Island Time"? ... yeah, Haiti is even a day late and buck short to that.

The new and major snag in our adoption of Sam is coming in the form of new rules that have been set by their IBESR office (the Haitian equivalent to DCF or Child Protective Services).  Under pressure from powerful international entities (namely UNICEF - and don't even get me started on them), IBESR has ruled that ALL adoptions in the ENTIRE country can only be processed through 19 adoption agencies. 

And it gets better... these 19 agencies can only submit ONE dossier per month!  Yes you read that right, my friends.  This is their new 'quota system'.

Got that math???

Only 19 children, in the thousands of orphans in Haiti, will start the process of joining their family each month.  That is a total of only 228 children A YEAR!  So sad, to say the least.

The glimmer of hope - and boy am I holding to it dearly - is that they are calling this a 'pilot program' and we are hoping that they see the light and scrap it SOON.  Like yesterday!

Our next snag... because one just isn't fun enough... The orphanage that Sam is at has always -for the past 25 years- done independent adoptions.  Meaning, they have always processed their adoptions themselves.  Without an agency.  Well, as luck would have it, they banned this practiced EXACTLY (I'm talking the week of) when we took our dossier down there.

So where do we go from here?

Good question.  Our orphanage - our creche, as they are called in Haiti - has to link up with one of these magical 19 agencies.  I have been in almost-constant contact with agencies and our orphanage, in hopes of creating a partnership that will lead to the submission of our dossier into the Haitian government.  We just need to continue praying that our 'creche' can partner with an approved agency.  Soon!

I know that THIS is where we are supposed to be.  I know that Sam IS our son.  I just have to have faith that we are going down the path that our family has been led to.  That this bumpy road and tough journey will all be worth it.  I have no doubt that one day, I will be looking back at this time of unrest, pain, fear, and uncertainty and know that I held to the convictions that God has laid on my heart.  One day, these trials will be a small blimp on the radar.  I will be holding my daughter and sons in my arms and not even remember these times of despair.

Would my life be A LOT easier right now to let go and just enjoy the life that I have been blessed with?  You bet!!  But what would I loose in doing that?  The life that God has planned for me and my family.  Our son that needs a family to call his own and a future for him that -right now- is uncertain.

NO!  I will not choose the easy way out!  I will continue to fight and find a way!  Because he -and all of the orphans in Haiti- are worth it!  This is my calling.  This is my passion.  I am a mother.  I am Sam's mother!

What to tell Sam?

Now that I am out of the fog of neck high paperwork and our dossier sits on various desks in Haiti, I can focus on the preparation for being an adoptive mommy.  I want to educate and arm myself with the best tools for raising Sam into the man we know he can be - and the man that I'm sure his mother had dreamed he would become.

So I've started collecting books and -attempting- to read them in my spare time.  I know.  Spare time.  That's a mom joke.  However, I would really like to get a few knowledge-filled books under my belt before year's end.  Here's my beginners books:

                                               It's important to be prepared!
The main thing that I've picked up so far is that you cannot automatically treat your adoptive child like your biological children.  The language barrier will be a given but, because of his young age, this phase will be short lived.  The important tools that I'm reading about now are how to handle discipline.  Its a sensitive issue for a child that, like Sam, you don't know what kind of life he is coming from.  He may -even though he was an infant- have abandonment issues/feelings that would make such things as 'time outs' difficult.

What I do know is that we will need to parent with compassion and even discipline with compassion. 

My first, main, concern has been:  what struggles will he have as a young man (or even boy) because he was abandoned?  Quick back story of our Sam...

Sam was brought to a hospital in Port Au Prince in June 2012.  He was 8 months old.  I am told that he was brought to the hospital by a man, believed to be his father, and that Sam was very sick with pneumonia.  He was treated for the pneumonia but no one ever came back for him.  After 2 weeks, he was declared abandoned and transferred to Ruuska Village for adoption.

                                                          When he arrived at the orphanage
 I know that one day I'll be asked something along the lines of why did his birth parents abandon him.  After much thought and prayer, this is what I came up with....  Thankfully we have the opportunity to show Sam that he was -and has always been- loved.  His birth parents loved him so much that they brought him to a hospital to be cared for.  He could have been abandoned anywhere.  I just read a blog last week in Haiti about a newborn found in an outhouse.  But instead, they brought him to a safe environment, where he would be nursed back to health and cared for.

Its unfortunate that he will never have the ability to see or know his birth parents.  However, I want to make sure that their son (our son) will know that they loved him.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Do you have any book suggestions for me?
  

He's Been In It From The Beginning

Have you ever looked back at a time in your life, at all of the details, and seen how it has been beautifully woven into a masterpiece of something magical?  That has been my realization over these last couple of months.  I've sat here in awe, amazement, and -mostly- gratitude for the wonderful story that God has made out of our lives.  Not all of it was pleasant but every single detail of it was necessary to make us the people that we are today, the parents that we have become, and the family that we will be.

The important groundwork/foundation was the placement of wonderful, Godly men into Stephen's life in January of 2011 and this helped to re-establish his relationship with God.  That was pivotal for what happened next...

On April 19, 2011, Stephen was laid-off from a company that he had been with for 14 years.  BUT I was so very proud of him by how he was a leader for our family and knew that God was in control and had a plan for us.  The confidence in him still amazes me.

During his 9 weeks of unemployment, our then-8 year old received a birthday invitation.

Let me say now... we normally do not talk to our children about finances because we believe that a child should not be concerned about such things.  However during a time like this -family crisis- they do need to be aware.

Anyway.  Long story, short...

Isabel made her friend these adorable flip flops for her birthday.  They were inexpensive to make and her friends LOVED them!  Many started to request that she make them for their birthday gifts - even after Stephen was back to work.  She was having a ball designing and making them.  One afternoon in August, Isabel and I decided to try to sell them.  Would there be interest??  We do live in Florida and flip flops are an everyday, any event, all year long foot wear - so we were betting with good odds.  And so was invented, IsaFlops (get it, Isabel & flip flops)....

We set up a Facebook page and word spread like wild fire!  She quickly received so many orders that I had to step into the production line.  Truth be told, Stephen had to put on his working hat one busy night!

She attended craft fairs.

Had home shows.

And even made orders for weddings.

But one thing that was important to me and Stephen was to teach her to be a good steward with her earnings.  We took her to the bank and set up an account.  Then we taught economics 101:  profits, expenditures, donations etc.

We let her choose where she would donate a portion of her profits to and she chose a little girl, Jeimi, in Honduras that her troop had been supporting through Compassion International.

It was during this time that I received my calling, whisper in my ear, tug at my heart to go to Haiti.  For those of you that haven't heard this yet...

I just realized that the day that I was sitting in church, listening to the youth give their testimony about their missions trip to Haiti, and I was called to go, was THE VERY DAY that Sam was born.  WOW!  Tell me that is a coincidence!  Nope.  Just another thread of our masterpiece that was woven in at the EXACT moment it needed to be.

Our family talked a lot about my desire to go on the trip that was scheduled for February 2012.  However, I didn't take into account that we had just financially recovered from unemployment and Christmas had just hit the bank account - OUCH!  I had resigned to the fact that, as a good steward of our money, I would need to hold off on any trips.

In early January, Isabel approached me about the trip.  Wasn't I going to be leaving soon? 

No.  We just can't swing that right now. 

She nodded and walked away.

The next morning she approached me again...  What about my IsaFlops account?  I've been thinking.  Its a lot more important for you to go to Haiti than for me to buy something for myself.

I was speechless.  (and for me, that's saying something!)  I talked with Stephen that night and prayed about it for the next couple of days.  Finally, I decided to look at the account and see how much was in there and you know what???  It was within TWO dollars of what I needed to go.  Wow!  That was my sign!

So, on February 6, 2012, I boarded a plane and took off on a life changing journey - that my 8 year old daughter had paid for!!  Here's a video of my journey:

http://animoto.com/play/ozT13nlYWGndJrCd33Uo8A

My life and my family's life has never been the same since.  Of course, we didn't realize how much this would change us FOREVER!

He can meticulously and perfectly help us weave the fabric of our lives BUT ultimately, it is up to us whether or not we follow the path that God has laid before us.

What if I hadn't listened to His call to go to Haiti?  If Isabel hadn't followed the nudge at her heart to give freely?  If Stephen hadn't put his faith in me - that this is a calling for our family?

I would miss that opportunity to love, nurture and raise a child that God has ordained for Stephen and I.  Sam would never have a father, mother, sister and 2 brothers that love him and will call him their's - forever.  Isabel, Cole and Jack would miss out on the journey that will affect the adults that they will become one day.  I pray that they will ALWAYS decide to listen and follow the path that has been laid before them.

He never said it would be easy, but He promised it would be worth it!

Have you followed your calling?

We'll Always Have... Haiti

So my title is a little different from the famous line but the feeling is still the same... even though I am back here in Florida, I will always this amazing long weekend with a funny and cute-as-a-button baby boy.

As I said before, our flight was 6 hours late so we were fighting daylight when we arrived at Ruuska Village.  After our big 'Hello's' and introductions, we went up to the new roof-top dining area to eat.  My stomach was still all aflutter but my pint-sized date was very happy to pick up my slack and helped himself to half a bowl of my spaghetti.

The rest of the evening was spent visiting with the children and nannies.  Many of them LOVE to do hair.  And as it turns out... my hair needed to be braided.

This is me, half way through my make-over session.  We called it my 'Haitian Momma Hair'.

That first night -and every night- was heart-wrenching for me... this 15 month old baby was so independent that he didn't want me to hold his bottle or rock him to sleep.  He's so accustomed to doing it himself.  I didn't want to force the issue, so I would just lay him down and watch.  He would eye me curiously - probably wondering why I was just standing there staring at him.

Nap times were also a struggle - for me, not Sam.  I would begrudgingly lay him down for his naps every day.  As much as I wanted to play and snuggle 24/7, this little man still needed his sleep.

Saturday was our day around the Village (orphanage).  Sam loved this freedom of being able to explore everywhere.  Until they are able to walk independently, the youglings are corralled in play pens, walker, or strollers.  There are many reasons for this... safety for the child, they get FILTHY in the rocks and sand that make up the ground, and often times the nannies are busy cleaning and cooking.  It might not be ideal here in the US but it is still a pretty good living for a child in Haiti.

Sunday was VERY eventful for us!  We woke up early and got ready for church.  Our church has helped Ruuska Village establish and build a church that is open for all whom want to come.  What a blessing this has been to their community!  I was so honored to be able to attend one of their services.  It was beautiful!

Although we were dressed the part, Sam wasn't feeling the whole sit-here-for-a-couple-of-hours-listening-to-a-sermon thing - sounds a lot like his brother, right?  So he and I walked to the other part of the property, where several of the men from our church were diligently finishing up the roof on the church's permanent structure.  Sam loved to just sit there and watch all of the action.  He's such an observer!

During his nap, several of us went on a tour of Port Au Prince.  In my other visits, I had not seen the Presidential Palace or the 'roughest' part of Haiti called Cite Soleil (even though I kept on calling it Circus Soleil, there were not ANY similarities - trust me!)  The palace had just been recently demolished since it had sustained heavy damaged in the earthquake.  As we passed through Cite Soleil, it was a jaw-dropping site.  The kind of tent/shanty village/city you see in all of those documentaries and commercials on 3rd world countries.

I wish that these pictures were scratch 'n sniff because the smell is indescribable.

We stopped by several roadside vendors in our journey.  I was able to purchase several canvas paintings that I hope to auction off at an adoption fundraiser.  Here is one of the paintings, such talent!

That evening, we went to a local lodge that has a pool and restaurant.  Its a great place for missionaries to go take a break and relax.  The pool is always a big hit because, well, we haven't taken a real shower for several days - just sayin.  I was very excited to put Sam into his little swim trunks and take him in.  As I set him on the side of the pool, he laughed and loved to put his toes in the water.  That joy quickly changed when he realized that I planned on taking him INTO the cold water.  We lasted long enough to wash cool off.  I quickly warmed him up... oh I loved the snuggling!

Our food soon arrived and all 22 of us had a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was during dinner that Sam actually said, 'Momma'.  I got the attention of those seated near us and he said it again - 2 MORE TIMES!  My heart melted!!  I believe he wrapped me around ALL of his tiny little fingers with those 3 words.

That night, I watched him fall asleep - knowing that it would be our last night sleeping under the same roof for awhile.  I was mentally preparing myself for the day ahead of me.  Actually, I had been preparing myself for several weeks.  I knew the joy that would come with meeting him but was also anticipating the heartbreak of having to leave him.

That morning, I gathered all of his belongings.  They fit into one plastic bag.  Could you imagine ALL of your child's belongings fitting into one bag?  Anyway.  I made sure that his new 'Sam' shirts were on top, so I could show his nanny - Ecefi - his name and try to explain 'Sam Davidson' to her.  Being that she doesn't know English, I don't think I was successful in explaining my desire for his name.  Oh well.

I went by myself and set his bag down in the 10x10 room he shares with his nanny and 3 others.  I turned around to see Ecefi standing outside of the little building.  She smiled and held open her arms.  I literally ran over to her and squeezed her with trembling arms.  I sobbed.  I had promised myself that I would hold it together but it looked like I was loosing that battle.

I was able to gather myself -a bit- and returned to our room where my roommate, Mary, was enjoying her last Sam moments too.  For the next 1/2 hour, I cherished ever second that we had together.  I tried to focus on the fact that this was just 'good bye for now.'  I was doing really good with that too - until it came time for me to let go of him.  Sam clung to me and started crying.  My heart broke and I joined him in his tears.  I kissed him on his head and prayed that the Lord would give us both the strength to get through this.  I wanted to find a way to let his little 1 year old heart know that I wouldn't leave him, if I had the choice.  But there was no way... I was Momma and I was now leaving him.

I was very thankful for a young lady staying at the orphanage.  She came over, assured me, and then took him out of my arms.  It was sort of like pulling a band-aid off.  Its going to hurt bad, so you might as well do it fast.

I piled into the van with the rest of our 16 person team.  The conflict of emotions that I had on that slow drive out of the village was INTENSE.  As we all said good-byes to the children and nannies from the van's windows, I saw Sam still crying.  I wanted so badly to climb out of the closest window and go cradle that precious child that has a hold on my heart.  At that same moment, I was eager to return to his sister and brothers (and daddy too!)

What happened next was AMAZING... on our way to the airport, I had this calm come over me.  This voice whispered to my heart that this baby was in God's hands and his angels would watch over him while I couldn't.  I'm certain that this strength came to me from the many family and friends that were praying for us that day - knowing that our good-byes would not be easy.  I thank each and every one of you for sending me peace and strength in a time that I had none and really needed it.

I am so thankful for this journey that we have been sent on.  We are thankful for this child that God has deemed us worthy of loving and raising.  I look forward to our future visits to Haiti and to Sam and, even more, to the time when he is able to come back with us.  For now, we will always have Haiti.