Finding Water In My Wilderness

Have you ever felt like your very soul is stuck in a wilderness?  Do you feel abandoned and are desperately needing water to quench your heart?

Friends, there are deep wells that can find us when we feel abandoned in our wilderness and this past weekend I was able to give my mind, body and soul what I have been needing... a break.  Plus, some time to be REAL with other moms that get all of this... all of ME and my 'new normal'.

I know that I've said this before but adoption is HARD at times.  And not just the part about parenting a child from "hard places".  The adoption process itself is grueling.  We can go months without word of progress (some have gone up to a year without any forward movement).  Others will move forward while you sit.  Stagnant.  Without much hope.  All the while, your child is in another country.  Growing up in other's photos.  The pain can be crippling, all-consuming and irrational. 

Once the blessing/blessings are home, the range of emotions can be significant.  Yes, we are ecstatic and relieved to finally be D-O-N-E with the torture that is known as the international adoption process.  However, you are now in a whole new level of craziness!  Seriously.

Even though I am blessed with one awesome support group of family and friends, they can only offer their loving support and empathy to me... but not quite GET me.  'Get me' in the way that we can ugly cry together and totally understand that exact feeling. 

There are still times (even 9 months later) that I feel like a ping pong ball with my emotions that range from pure bliss and complete peace to utter loneliness and near-rage.

I have been feeling like a vessel without a home.

A wanderer in the wilderness.

How could anyone else understand these feelings?

Who would grasp -truly grasp- my struggles and hurts?

This is what has been going through my head over the last several months and I finally was able to worship, break bread, talk and cry with a group of 50 women that could truly grasp everything.  All of ME!  Wow!  What a relief.  What a cup of water in my wilderness!

We met at a secluded Christian retreat in Brandenton, FL.  The weather was beautiful, the atmosphere intimate and the attire was strictly/extremely casual (we're talking yoga pants and pony tails!)

Throughout the 3 day retreat, we would come together for worship (again, to cry and PRAISE with a room full of women that are in my same -sometimes sinking- boat was amazing!)  Then, we would split up into our small groups that were randomly formed on day 1.

This, folks, is where the rubber hit the asphalt.  Where our fears of rejection were checked at the door and we knew that we could be REAL.  Where our -sometimes ugly- stories would be HEARD.  That these women have KNOWN these exact struggle and they would LOVE us because of it.

 

It was freeing, therapeutic and oh-too-short!

Saturday -day 2- afternoon, we had a topic specific small groups.  I chose the marriage group but others included:  loss during adoption, overwhelmed, in-country trauma, infertility and waiting.  Our group talked for about 2 hours on many MANY different topics relating to our marriages.  Trust me, my husband is thankful!

I was excited to share my room with a local (local to me) mom that I knew but hadn't gotten to know very well since we met 4 months ago.  We were like a couple of teenagers and stayed up until 1am each night gabbing.  I'm thinking that this is the cause for my nap during our break time on Saturday.  Possibly.

After a CRAZY fun game of Dirty Santa (also known as a Chinese gift exchange) and some awesome worship time on Sunday, we had to pack up and head home.  What a mix of emotions this was!  I missed my babies.  I really really did but I was already missing this amazing group of ladies.  It was pretty AWESOME to be in a room full of moms and be completely understood.

**In full disclosure:  I was also going to miss sleeping in, my lovely afternoon nap, not cutting up someone's food before I could eat and not wiping any stinky bottoms!

Anyhoo!

I arrived home to my beautiful family feeling refreshed.

Did that last?  Nope, not very long!  But hey, this is my crazy, wild life and I'm going to strive to live it and love it!  Plus, I now have some new found friends and more tools to walk it with GRACE!

Genesis 21:19 - Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

Just as God gave water to Hagar and Ishmael's parched bodies in the desert of Beersheba, He can provide an oasis for our weary hearts.