The Wait...

Today, I was told that our boy was seen walking last night - on his daddy's birthday.  The conflict of emotions were raging!  And still are!

On one hand, I'm excited for him.  This is huge!  I am thankful to the Lord for making him healthy enough to even be walking!  Praising that the nutrition he is receiving is making his muscles strong enough.

Then the mommy guilt sets in.

I have missed it.  I should have been there.

These are milestones that we won't have written down in his baby book, recorded on our family videos or photos to proudly hang on our wall.

It all just seems so unfair.  How many milestones will we miss while we wait for Sam to come home?  How many hugs? Birthdays? Smiles?  How many nights will he have troubles going to sleep without a mommy to hold him close?

When I think about it, the pain in my heart is almost unbearable.  So I must trust...

I trust that God will protect and watch over Sam's heart on those nights that he is alone and missing or craving a mother's touch.

I trust that even though we are missing these milestones together, our Heavenly Father is watching, smiling and cheering Sam on.

As always, I will trust that this is the path that our family is meant to be on.

In my moment of despair yesterday, I was sent this as encouragement:

Return to your fortress, you persons of hope;  even now I announce that I will restore two times as much to you.    
Zechariah 9:12

Thank you!!

Indeed, we are not together in these important and wonderful moments BUT I can guarantee that we will make up for lost time!  I must hold to the faith that we are moving forward on a timeline that God has set.

For now, I will rejoice in our boy's achievements from afar and pray for the day that I can get back down there to see him walk with my own eyes.  WAY TO GO SAM!

Jack on The People of Walmart

Ok, he wasn't really on it - that I know of - but he certainly could have been!

For those of you that don't know us personally, we have a very active 2 year old -Jack- that is just dying to teach his new brother TONS of tricks.  We keep on saying that he and Sam will be best buds but, truth be told, I think they will be partners in crime around our household.  He is such a joy and so very funny but Jack also has a healthy dose of stubbornness.  I blame his father's side.  And maybe my dad.

This strong will tends to rear its ugly head around the times that he is most tired.  Now, this is something that he really DID completely get from his father.  I tend to come out with all kinds of silly inappropriateness and uncontrolled giggling when I'm tired.  Anyway.

Recently, Jack and I were on our way to Orlando to join the rest of our family that was camping there for the weekend.  Stephen and I have chosen to just enjoy day trips and not take Jack camping overnight yet.  Something about the hours of total darkness and Jack, in the wild (the wild, dark AND Jack!) just has us scared.  It's a combination made in hell, really.

I needed to stop by Walmart before I jumped on the highway for our hour drive.  Jack had already snuggled into his car seat and was on the verge of sleep when I scooped him up to go into the store to make a return and gather 3 items. This did not make my over-tired two year old thrilled and he began his protest as I tried to put him into the cart.  He was like one of those dogs that you see putting their paws on each side of the door opening and not allowing themselves to be put through the opening.  Fine.  I carried him to our first stop, the customer service, to return something.

As I was trying to wrangle my little howler monkey, all of the people in our vicinity were giving each other 'the look'.  You know.  The look of either 'that poor mom and crazy kid' or 'my ears! why me? why now?'.  I must say, I think this employee processed my return in record time!  Right as we were about to leave the customer service area, a man in his 80s looked at Jack and said 'STOP' in this deep voice.  Thanks man... but not helping me at this point.

I finally plopped got him into the cart as we were walking away to shop for the three items that I had to grab.  He continued to let every person in Walmart know that he was not a happy camper.  And now, with the freedom of sitting in the basket of the cart, he was able to act on his feelings.

How you ask?

As I am walking to the bakery, I see a shoe go flying out of the cart.  I quickly grab it, put it in my purse, and continue walking at warp-speed.

Onto the next item on my list... Lord help me, it was on the complete opposite side of the store.  While I'm speed walking -and not making eye contact with other customers- I continued to collect another shoe.  Then socks.  Lo and behold, I had to bring my focus back to this screaming banshee, that resembled my child, when I saw his pants go flying.

Why must Walmart be a mile long?  Please, sweet Jesus, come and save me now.

By the time that we arrived at the cashier (who probably heard us coming LONG before she saw us) we were quite the sight...

I was a sweaty mess and had shoes, socks, & pants hanging out of my purse.  And Jack, oh my sweet little boy, had wiggled his onesie top off of his shoulders, down his arms and tummy, and was sporting it at his waist.  He was going for the bare-tummy, crazed toddler look.

Once he was back into his car seat, Jack was sound asleep before we even hit the highway.  Thankfully he had a nice, refreshing nap and was back to my happy boy again.  We had a lot of fun hiking and biking in the great outdoors that day!

With him being our third child, I am grateful that this has been our first public display of crazy.

So let me know if you see a little half-dressed toddler on the People of Walmart website!

It's Not For Sissies!

I have been told TWICE that "Haitian Adoptions aren't for sissies!"  The first time that I was told this, I chuckled.  By the second time, I just sighed, hung my head and agreed.  Why, oh why, is it SO VERY hard to bring an orphan into your loving family?

That is probably the most commonly asked question I get:  Why will it take so long to bring Sam home?  The answer is not very simple and, actually, there are many factors in this.  One would think that, with the thousands of children sitting in orphanages in Haiti, that the government would be THRILLED to find a loving family for these children to join.

Let me explain a little bit as to why this process of bringing Sam home is tough and long - and why I will have a lot more grey hair when this is done...

The first part of the problem is the lack of technology there.  The documentation is still processed by hand.  Even the birth certificates.  And then, if someone misspells something (name of the child or parents) the process has to start all over again.  Each document and process has to be re-done. 

And how much time does that take you ask?

Well, you may have heard about the never-punctual "Island Time"? ... yeah, Haiti is even a day late and buck short to that.

The new and major snag in our adoption of Sam is coming in the form of new rules that have been set by their IBESR office (the Haitian equivalent to DCF or Child Protective Services).  Under pressure from powerful international entities (namely UNICEF - and don't even get me started on them), IBESR has ruled that ALL adoptions in the ENTIRE country can only be processed through 19 adoption agencies. 

And it gets better... these 19 agencies can only submit ONE dossier per month!  Yes you read that right, my friends.  This is their new 'quota system'.

Got that math???

Only 19 children, in the thousands of orphans in Haiti, will start the process of joining their family each month.  That is a total of only 228 children A YEAR!  So sad, to say the least.

The glimmer of hope - and boy am I holding to it dearly - is that they are calling this a 'pilot program' and we are hoping that they see the light and scrap it SOON.  Like yesterday!

Our next snag... because one just isn't fun enough... The orphanage that Sam is at has always -for the past 25 years- done independent adoptions.  Meaning, they have always processed their adoptions themselves.  Without an agency.  Well, as luck would have it, they banned this practiced EXACTLY (I'm talking the week of) when we took our dossier down there.

So where do we go from here?

Good question.  Our orphanage - our creche, as they are called in Haiti - has to link up with one of these magical 19 agencies.  I have been in almost-constant contact with agencies and our orphanage, in hopes of creating a partnership that will lead to the submission of our dossier into the Haitian government.  We just need to continue praying that our 'creche' can partner with an approved agency.  Soon!

I know that THIS is where we are supposed to be.  I know that Sam IS our son.  I just have to have faith that we are going down the path that our family has been led to.  That this bumpy road and tough journey will all be worth it.  I have no doubt that one day, I will be looking back at this time of unrest, pain, fear, and uncertainty and know that I held to the convictions that God has laid on my heart.  One day, these trials will be a small blimp on the radar.  I will be holding my daughter and sons in my arms and not even remember these times of despair.

Would my life be A LOT easier right now to let go and just enjoy the life that I have been blessed with?  You bet!!  But what would I loose in doing that?  The life that God has planned for me and my family.  Our son that needs a family to call his own and a future for him that -right now- is uncertain.

NO!  I will not choose the easy way out!  I will continue to fight and find a way!  Because he -and all of the orphans in Haiti- are worth it!  This is my calling.  This is my passion.  I am a mother.  I am Sam's mother!

What to tell Sam?

Now that I am out of the fog of neck high paperwork and our dossier sits on various desks in Haiti, I can focus on the preparation for being an adoptive mommy.  I want to educate and arm myself with the best tools for raising Sam into the man we know he can be - and the man that I'm sure his mother had dreamed he would become.

So I've started collecting books and -attempting- to read them in my spare time.  I know.  Spare time.  That's a mom joke.  However, I would really like to get a few knowledge-filled books under my belt before year's end.  Here's my beginners books:

                                               It's important to be prepared!
The main thing that I've picked up so far is that you cannot automatically treat your adoptive child like your biological children.  The language barrier will be a given but, because of his young age, this phase will be short lived.  The important tools that I'm reading about now are how to handle discipline.  Its a sensitive issue for a child that, like Sam, you don't know what kind of life he is coming from.  He may -even though he was an infant- have abandonment issues/feelings that would make such things as 'time outs' difficult.

What I do know is that we will need to parent with compassion and even discipline with compassion. 

My first, main, concern has been:  what struggles will he have as a young man (or even boy) because he was abandoned?  Quick back story of our Sam...

Sam was brought to a hospital in Port Au Prince in June 2012.  He was 8 months old.  I am told that he was brought to the hospital by a man, believed to be his father, and that Sam was very sick with pneumonia.  He was treated for the pneumonia but no one ever came back for him.  After 2 weeks, he was declared abandoned and transferred to Ruuska Village for adoption.

                                                          When he arrived at the orphanage
 I know that one day I'll be asked something along the lines of why did his birth parents abandon him.  After much thought and prayer, this is what I came up with....  Thankfully we have the opportunity to show Sam that he was -and has always been- loved.  His birth parents loved him so much that they brought him to a hospital to be cared for.  He could have been abandoned anywhere.  I just read a blog last week in Haiti about a newborn found in an outhouse.  But instead, they brought him to a safe environment, where he would be nursed back to health and cared for.

Its unfortunate that he will never have the ability to see or know his birth parents.  However, I want to make sure that their son (our son) will know that they loved him.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Do you have any book suggestions for me?
  

He's Been In It From The Beginning

Have you ever looked back at a time in your life, at all of the details, and seen how it has been beautifully woven into a masterpiece of something magical?  That has been my realization over these last couple of months.  I've sat here in awe, amazement, and -mostly- gratitude for the wonderful story that God has made out of our lives.  Not all of it was pleasant but every single detail of it was necessary to make us the people that we are today, the parents that we have become, and the family that we will be.

The important groundwork/foundation was the placement of wonderful, Godly men into Stephen's life in January of 2011 and this helped to re-establish his relationship with God.  That was pivotal for what happened next...

On April 19, 2011, Stephen was laid-off from a company that he had been with for 14 years.  BUT I was so very proud of him by how he was a leader for our family and knew that God was in control and had a plan for us.  The confidence in him still amazes me.

During his 9 weeks of unemployment, our then-8 year old received a birthday invitation.

Let me say now... we normally do not talk to our children about finances because we believe that a child should not be concerned about such things.  However during a time like this -family crisis- they do need to be aware.

Anyway.  Long story, short...

Isabel made her friend these adorable flip flops for her birthday.  They were inexpensive to make and her friends LOVED them!  Many started to request that she make them for their birthday gifts - even after Stephen was back to work.  She was having a ball designing and making them.  One afternoon in August, Isabel and I decided to try to sell them.  Would there be interest??  We do live in Florida and flip flops are an everyday, any event, all year long foot wear - so we were betting with good odds.  And so was invented, IsaFlops (get it, Isabel & flip flops)....

We set up a Facebook page and word spread like wild fire!  She quickly received so many orders that I had to step into the production line.  Truth be told, Stephen had to put on his working hat one busy night!

She attended craft fairs.

Had home shows.

And even made orders for weddings.

But one thing that was important to me and Stephen was to teach her to be a good steward with her earnings.  We took her to the bank and set up an account.  Then we taught economics 101:  profits, expenditures, donations etc.

We let her choose where she would donate a portion of her profits to and she chose a little girl, Jeimi, in Honduras that her troop had been supporting through Compassion International.

It was during this time that I received my calling, whisper in my ear, tug at my heart to go to Haiti.  For those of you that haven't heard this yet...

I just realized that the day that I was sitting in church, listening to the youth give their testimony about their missions trip to Haiti, and I was called to go, was THE VERY DAY that Sam was born.  WOW!  Tell me that is a coincidence!  Nope.  Just another thread of our masterpiece that was woven in at the EXACT moment it needed to be.

Our family talked a lot about my desire to go on the trip that was scheduled for February 2012.  However, I didn't take into account that we had just financially recovered from unemployment and Christmas had just hit the bank account - OUCH!  I had resigned to the fact that, as a good steward of our money, I would need to hold off on any trips.

In early January, Isabel approached me about the trip.  Wasn't I going to be leaving soon? 

No.  We just can't swing that right now. 

She nodded and walked away.

The next morning she approached me again...  What about my IsaFlops account?  I've been thinking.  Its a lot more important for you to go to Haiti than for me to buy something for myself.

I was speechless.  (and for me, that's saying something!)  I talked with Stephen that night and prayed about it for the next couple of days.  Finally, I decided to look at the account and see how much was in there and you know what???  It was within TWO dollars of what I needed to go.  Wow!  That was my sign!

So, on February 6, 2012, I boarded a plane and took off on a life changing journey - that my 8 year old daughter had paid for!!  Here's a video of my journey:

http://animoto.com/play/ozT13nlYWGndJrCd33Uo8A

My life and my family's life has never been the same since.  Of course, we didn't realize how much this would change us FOREVER!

He can meticulously and perfectly help us weave the fabric of our lives BUT ultimately, it is up to us whether or not we follow the path that God has laid before us.

What if I hadn't listened to His call to go to Haiti?  If Isabel hadn't followed the nudge at her heart to give freely?  If Stephen hadn't put his faith in me - that this is a calling for our family?

I would miss that opportunity to love, nurture and raise a child that God has ordained for Stephen and I.  Sam would never have a father, mother, sister and 2 brothers that love him and will call him their's - forever.  Isabel, Cole and Jack would miss out on the journey that will affect the adults that they will become one day.  I pray that they will ALWAYS decide to listen and follow the path that has been laid before them.

He never said it would be easy, but He promised it would be worth it!

Have you followed your calling?

We'll Always Have... Haiti

So my title is a little different from the famous line but the feeling is still the same... even though I am back here in Florida, I will always this amazing long weekend with a funny and cute-as-a-button baby boy.

As I said before, our flight was 6 hours late so we were fighting daylight when we arrived at Ruuska Village.  After our big 'Hello's' and introductions, we went up to the new roof-top dining area to eat.  My stomach was still all aflutter but my pint-sized date was very happy to pick up my slack and helped himself to half a bowl of my spaghetti.

The rest of the evening was spent visiting with the children and nannies.  Many of them LOVE to do hair.  And as it turns out... my hair needed to be braided.

This is me, half way through my make-over session.  We called it my 'Haitian Momma Hair'.

That first night -and every night- was heart-wrenching for me... this 15 month old baby was so independent that he didn't want me to hold his bottle or rock him to sleep.  He's so accustomed to doing it himself.  I didn't want to force the issue, so I would just lay him down and watch.  He would eye me curiously - probably wondering why I was just standing there staring at him.

Nap times were also a struggle - for me, not Sam.  I would begrudgingly lay him down for his naps every day.  As much as I wanted to play and snuggle 24/7, this little man still needed his sleep.

Saturday was our day around the Village (orphanage).  Sam loved this freedom of being able to explore everywhere.  Until they are able to walk independently, the youglings are corralled in play pens, walker, or strollers.  There are many reasons for this... safety for the child, they get FILTHY in the rocks and sand that make up the ground, and often times the nannies are busy cleaning and cooking.  It might not be ideal here in the US but it is still a pretty good living for a child in Haiti.

Sunday was VERY eventful for us!  We woke up early and got ready for church.  Our church has helped Ruuska Village establish and build a church that is open for all whom want to come.  What a blessing this has been to their community!  I was so honored to be able to attend one of their services.  It was beautiful!

Although we were dressed the part, Sam wasn't feeling the whole sit-here-for-a-couple-of-hours-listening-to-a-sermon thing - sounds a lot like his brother, right?  So he and I walked to the other part of the property, where several of the men from our church were diligently finishing up the roof on the church's permanent structure.  Sam loved to just sit there and watch all of the action.  He's such an observer!

During his nap, several of us went on a tour of Port Au Prince.  In my other visits, I had not seen the Presidential Palace or the 'roughest' part of Haiti called Cite Soleil (even though I kept on calling it Circus Soleil, there were not ANY similarities - trust me!)  The palace had just been recently demolished since it had sustained heavy damaged in the earthquake.  As we passed through Cite Soleil, it was a jaw-dropping site.  The kind of tent/shanty village/city you see in all of those documentaries and commercials on 3rd world countries.

I wish that these pictures were scratch 'n sniff because the smell is indescribable.

We stopped by several roadside vendors in our journey.  I was able to purchase several canvas paintings that I hope to auction off at an adoption fundraiser.  Here is one of the paintings, such talent!

That evening, we went to a local lodge that has a pool and restaurant.  Its a great place for missionaries to go take a break and relax.  The pool is always a big hit because, well, we haven't taken a real shower for several days - just sayin.  I was very excited to put Sam into his little swim trunks and take him in.  As I set him on the side of the pool, he laughed and loved to put his toes in the water.  That joy quickly changed when he realized that I planned on taking him INTO the cold water.  We lasted long enough to wash cool off.  I quickly warmed him up... oh I loved the snuggling!

Our food soon arrived and all 22 of us had a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was during dinner that Sam actually said, 'Momma'.  I got the attention of those seated near us and he said it again - 2 MORE TIMES!  My heart melted!!  I believe he wrapped me around ALL of his tiny little fingers with those 3 words.

That night, I watched him fall asleep - knowing that it would be our last night sleeping under the same roof for awhile.  I was mentally preparing myself for the day ahead of me.  Actually, I had been preparing myself for several weeks.  I knew the joy that would come with meeting him but was also anticipating the heartbreak of having to leave him.

That morning, I gathered all of his belongings.  They fit into one plastic bag.  Could you imagine ALL of your child's belongings fitting into one bag?  Anyway.  I made sure that his new 'Sam' shirts were on top, so I could show his nanny - Ecefi - his name and try to explain 'Sam Davidson' to her.  Being that she doesn't know English, I don't think I was successful in explaining my desire for his name.  Oh well.

I went by myself and set his bag down in the 10x10 room he shares with his nanny and 3 others.  I turned around to see Ecefi standing outside of the little building.  She smiled and held open her arms.  I literally ran over to her and squeezed her with trembling arms.  I sobbed.  I had promised myself that I would hold it together but it looked like I was loosing that battle.

I was able to gather myself -a bit- and returned to our room where my roommate, Mary, was enjoying her last Sam moments too.  For the next 1/2 hour, I cherished ever second that we had together.  I tried to focus on the fact that this was just 'good bye for now.'  I was doing really good with that too - until it came time for me to let go of him.  Sam clung to me and started crying.  My heart broke and I joined him in his tears.  I kissed him on his head and prayed that the Lord would give us both the strength to get through this.  I wanted to find a way to let his little 1 year old heart know that I wouldn't leave him, if I had the choice.  But there was no way... I was Momma and I was now leaving him.

I was very thankful for a young lady staying at the orphanage.  She came over, assured me, and then took him out of my arms.  It was sort of like pulling a band-aid off.  Its going to hurt bad, so you might as well do it fast.

I piled into the van with the rest of our 16 person team.  The conflict of emotions that I had on that slow drive out of the village was INTENSE.  As we all said good-byes to the children and nannies from the van's windows, I saw Sam still crying.  I wanted so badly to climb out of the closest window and go cradle that precious child that has a hold on my heart.  At that same moment, I was eager to return to his sister and brothers (and daddy too!)

What happened next was AMAZING... on our way to the airport, I had this calm come over me.  This voice whispered to my heart that this baby was in God's hands and his angels would watch over him while I couldn't.  I'm certain that this strength came to me from the many family and friends that were praying for us that day - knowing that our good-byes would not be easy.  I thank each and every one of you for sending me peace and strength in a time that I had none and really needed it.

I am so thankful for this journey that we have been sent on.  We are thankful for this child that God has deemed us worthy of loving and raising.  I look forward to our future visits to Haiti and to Sam and, even more, to the time when he is able to come back with us.  For now, we will always have Haiti.

Hi, I'm your mommy

I knew this day was coming.  I had been mentally preparing myself for the first time I got to hold my new son... but nothing can quite prepare your heart and soul for the avalanche of emotions you feel when you see, hold, and kiss YOUR child for the first time - whether its physically giving birth to them or not.

Last Friday morning started out at a feverish pitch.  Half of our missions team had traveled down to Miami the night before our flight, in hopes on getting a better nights sleep (normally we meet at our church at 2:30 am for the drive to Miami International.)  This ended up being a lost on me - being that my mind wouldn't stop racing for me to be able to sleep!  We met up with the rest of our group at 5:30 am in front of the Insel Airlines terminal.  However, we soon learned that our 8:30 flight had been delayed to 1:30 pm for mechanical problems.  UGH!  My chest constricted and my heart sank.  All I could think of was that I was losing five hours with Sam.

But all was still OK.  After all, the flight wasn't cancelled.  Right?

Our group quickly set up camp close to one of the handy, new airport phone-charging stations for our 5 hour wait.  We ate, drank coffee, played on our phones, ate AGAIN - anything to pass the time.  FINALLY, our boarding call came.  I was blessed to have a fellow team member sitting beside me.  She was an awesome support system for me as I was a bundle of nerves - a mixture of 50% laughing excitement and 50% crying emotions.  I'm pretty sure that the Haitian gentlemen sitting on the other side of me thought I was 100% crazy!

We had the normal organized mayhem of finding our luggage at the Port Au Prince airport - all 32 bags of humanitarian aid.  It still amazes me to see how we manage to stuff get 32 large duffel bags, 16 people with their carry-ons and two drivers into 2 vehicles.  We are QUITE the sight!

During our drive to the orphanage, I had talked with the ladies in our group about getting pictures or video of Sam meeting me.  However, those plans flew out the window upon our arrival... 

There is always a flutter of commotion once you get to the Village (the orphanage).  The bags need unloading, Barbara comes out to greet everyone and give room assignments, and children swarm around the new arrivals.  Me?  I made a beeline to the opposite side of the orphanage.  I knew that is where Sam's room was and I NEEDED to get there now - like I needed the air in my lungs.  As I was approaching the building, a young girl looked at me and said, "Davidson?"  I believe I may have yelled, "YES!" to her.  She went running to the room and I was close behind.

The metal, security doors on the houses are open during the day and curtains cover the doorways for privacy.  As I stepped onto the front porch, Sam's nanny -named Ecefi- stepped out from behind the curtain holding a child.  My child.  The face I had been dreaming of for the past 2 months.

She smiled warmly at me and said, "mama?"  All I could do was give a slight nod and then she handed him to me.  I was trembling and crying - happy tears.  We all shared a joyous laugh and huge hugs.  Sam was eating a roll that was as hard as a rock - but he was thoroughly enjoying it since he is getting in several new teeth - and he didn't grasp at all that our worlds had just been rocked FOREVER.

I stood on her front porch for several minutes, soaking him in.  His long fingers, growing hair, incoming teeth, and big gorgeous eyes.  As I started to make my way back through the village, with my son in my arms, it dawned on me that I had left my 'camera crew' behind.  I had run off and left them.  In hindsight, I'm quite ok with our first picture being AFTER I had dried up the waterworks.  

...besides, we had a whole glorious weekend for pictures!!